WWE Total Divas Report 8/4/13

Total Divas

The show starts off with a recap of last week’s hostilities between the newbies and the vets. Jo-Jo and Eva Marie get a glimpse of WWE Raw and Fandango. Eva Marie has ambitions to be wrapped up in the arms of Fandango and onto the main roster of the WWE. The rest of this segment shows Eva relying on her feminine wiles to entrap the unequivocally flamboyant Fandango

Trinity and Ariane are shown rolling around in costumes again before appearing on RAW. It’s understood that the wardrobe mishaps of WrestleMania may no longer rear their ugly head. There are definite problems with the interaction between the seamstress and the Funkadactyls. I would like to hear the seamstress’s point of view. I’m sure she has a rough job hemming and hawing before every matchup.

The Bella’s are ready to hit Tampa and trade places socially like Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd in the movie of the same name.

Nattie, Jo-Jo and Eva Marie are sitting around gossiping and sipping on cups of tea when FANDANGO decides to run in, on par with his normal in-ring persona, and boil over the sexual tension in the room. I think these ladies are already counting the cycles of their biological clocks. Fandango gives the girls hope that they (Eva Marie) might be a potential dance partner in the future. Eva Marie is about to cement her role as the only wrestler non-wrestling fans will remember five minutes after the show is over.

The Bellas and the Funkadactyls are going at in the ring. Brie and Nikki give a play by play of the action. I was actually live at this event and it was my first taste of the Bella Twins.

Eva Marie is backstage with management laying down the foundation for her potential partnership with Fandango. Jo-Jo and Eva double team Fandango after his match and try to sweet talk their way into his wrestling life. The sexual tension grows! Eva shocks the audience when we learn that the woman who makes a living pretending she can fight now intends to pretend she can dance.

Segment 2 cuts into the opening throes of Nikki and Brie’s journey with John and Daniel. It must be a rough life to fly around on a private plan. A montage is shown complimenting John Cena’s accomplishments in the WWE. He is one of the biggest stars in the federation and has the battle scars to prove it. I’m pretty sure I still see the Rock’s dental imprint’s across John Cena’s knuckles. The audience instantly identifies with John Cena when he can only describe Eva as “the red-headed one.” Nikki is definitely jealous of Eva Marie prowling around on her Cena-ry. To sum up this segment: John Cena is very rich.

Eva’s Fandango infatuation becomes understandable when her boyfriend arrives, looking like the choreographer of Hair Spray. At this point in the show we meet Jonathon. He is Eva Marie’s long term boyfriend of two months. Jo-Jo finds the fact Eva has a boyfriend to be in incredulous! Jo-Jo is kicked out of the room as we get a taste of real romance: Doughnuts!

Instead of commitment with Nikki and John – we get Eva Marie and Jonathon. Jonathon proposes to Eva Marie in her hotel room. I don’t hear a yes come out of her mouth but she is now wearing a gigantic rock and tells Jo-Jo. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this in future segments.

The show then cuts over to Ariane while she has a conversation about rhinestone-studded wrestling underwear with a clothing designer who currently seems like the straightest man in the episode. Her boyfriend continues to drive the car and should win an Oscar for looking interested in this conversation.

We’re further introduced to the idea that John Cena is rich as Brie and Bryan tour the Cena mansion. Cigars, chandeliers and chops should be the title of John Cena’s autobiography. In comparison Daniel Bryan must live in poverty. Brie seems to be terribly scared of Nikki’s driving as they fly down the highway and she is noticeable not wearing a seatbelt. The girls are now bonding while comparing the “wealth” of their professional wrestling boyfriends. Bryan is unaccustomed not only to such lavish accommodation, but also apparently to bathing. I must say, I love the beard!

Eva dallies leaves her engagement ring behind, transparently signaling her intent to seduce Fandango. Eva’s master plan may pay off, assuming that her boyfriend and Fandango and the executives of WWE never watch this show.

Jo-Jo is the voice of moral reason as even she understands that you do not leave your engagement ring behinds; especially when you just received it only hours beforehand.

Brie and Nikki are shown swimming with their respective mates living the high life. Bryan has a hell of a dog paddle. Bryan also has mad rapping skills. I think he could fill in on the Beastie Boy’s summer tour in place of the late great MCA.

Eva is now shown dining with Fandango in order to gain his favor. Eva criticizes Fandango for kissing his own hand. Fandango responds with mild embarrassment, unconvincingly pretending that’s the worst thing he’s ever done with his hand. When Fandango responds to Eva’s seduction attempts, she’s shocked to learn that her actions led to their foreseeable and intended consequences. Boy, Jonathon is going to be really upset!

Fandango invites Eva Marie out to the club. This is normal behavior for professionals and no sexual innuendo is implied. Fandango still does not know that Eva Marie cannot dance, however, and that’s probably going to be the Achilles heel in her plan. Maybe she should trade sex for Fandango looking the other way in regards to her poor dancing skills. Raw is every Monday night. I’m sure she can pick up Spanish dancing in a week or so.

The Bella’s are now flying away on a jet plane with John and Daniel as they head to Bryan’s childhood home. John and Bryan challenge the Bella Twins to a wood chopping contest. Unfamiliar with the concept of betting, the ladies threaten their boyfriends with the prospect of erotic massages.

Bryan’s house, which is probably nicer than yours, is ridiculed by his beautiful millionaire best friends. Bryan give’s the rest of the group a tour. This is his childhood home and holds a lot of sentimental value. There are geeky photos, antlers and the typical fanfare that most of us probably have in our own homes. Cena stumbles upon a pun about wood and no one picks up on it as he discusses this house and Brie and Bryan’s relationship with the Bella twins in the kitchen while Bryan is “getting wood”.

Now we’re following up with Trinity’s designer. I can’t really understand what’s going on but Jon Uso really seems to be interested in Funkadactyl booty.

Now we’re getting ready to chop wood in Bikinis. Note, it’s a notoriously bad idea to chop wood in high heels. I totally lost my train of thought when one of the Bella’s said “vagina”. The Bella twins chopped 8 pieces of wood. I think this is just a segment to show off the fact that both couples, male and female, have really nice chests. That’s right, I said it. I am in love with John Cena’s pecs. So, the lumberjacks have to chop 24 pieces of wood to win this bet. Bryan is a miserable failure at chopping wood. (Which is odd since he lifts a lot of weights and probably has been chopping wood his entire life.)

The winners are… THE BELLA TWINS.

Nikki and John are now in bed and are interrupted by a need for wine. The girl’s drive off to procure some of this lavish elixir. As they trounce around in geese poop, the girls have a meaningful discussion about Brie and Bryan’s relationship. She has doubts because she may be more in love with the sun than a rustic lifestyle with Bryan. Nikki, being the voice of reason all episode, totally takes the superficial side and tells her sister that she needs to talk to Bryan about how unacceptable this lifestyle will become over the long run.

To summarize: Brian is uglier, weaker, less famous and poorer than John Cena, his house is small and classless, and he can’t chop a single log in three minutes. Perhaps Brad Maddox was right?

Tonight is the big night for Eva. She is ready to perform in front of millions of people. Her master plan did not involve any attempt to learn how to dance, making me rethink the qualifier “master”.

Fandango tells Eva to chill out and not to freak on her. This is the apex of his fame and he doesn’t need his pop to evaporate because of poor, inadequate dancing. The girl’s, Nattie, Jo- Jo and others give Eva Marie advice in regards to her upcoming performance.

Stephanie McMahon shows up before the commercial break talking about how Eva embarrassed the company.

Eva Marie and Fandango are shown embracing before her big appearance on Raw. It’s show time and she takes center stage. In the unquestionable highlight of the show, Eva’s dance fails so miserably that it’s difficult to watch. This is Eva’s show. Her days in wrestling are numbered, but her agent is already on the phone with the staffers of Celebrity Apprentice. The girls backstage are astonished at how horrible this routine is and the Funkadactyls work with Tons of Funk! Nattie confirms that reputation is everything with the WWE. Eva Marie is confronted about being a trained dancer. She lies to WWE management and they are not pleased. Here comes Stephanie…

…After we check out the fact that the Funkadactyls really hate revealing clothing. The girl’s confront Sandra the seamstress about sexy dressing. Sandra doesn’t look like she has seen sexy since the Second World War There is strife between the Funkadactyls and they eventually spend a few minutes apologizing to the seamstress in a condescending manner. The team eventually decides to wear second hand threads and to stop pissing off the seamstress. The pom-poms start flying at the pair enters the ring.

Now, Eva Marie awaits the executioner and here she is… Stephanie McMahon (still looking as good as she did 10 years ago). Eva Marie is worried that she is going to be fired. But there is no way. She is keeping Total Divas afloat. There is a dramatic pause… and then commercials. Will we find out what happens this week?

Stephanie let’s Eva Marie know that she has embarrassed herself and the company. We learn a moral lesson that lying is never the way to go. Thankfully, this was not live. Eva let’s Stephanie know that this will never happen again and Stephanie lets her know that she will never be back in the WWE if such an incident ever happens again. This was really strange pacing to end the show.

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